w h e r i s t h e l o v e

2012-01-21T19:57:00.000+08:00

im officially 23 years old. it is true when people say that time literally flies once u past 20. im feeling it now. hah.

the road to maturity is hmm rather bumpy but i survived it all. there are times where i really wanna give up trying, coping and be strong. im feeling it right now. the recent happenings had a rather huge impact on me with some that concerns me directly while others indirectly; because it concerns the people i care about therefore i feel for them. i admit im not a strong person. i know some would think that i dont cry easily but i do. im sentimental, emotional, sensitive and any other adjectives that describe one who cries easily. pardon for the lack of vocab:x frankly speaking, i dont how to handle and i feel that im not equipped enough to handle these. i want people around me to be happy, problemless or rather no huge problems that hog their brain day in day out. apparently it is not possible in this household.

home, is a place where one can seek solace from, a place where everyone else appreciates one another and just simply be happy about being together. i know my uncles and ah ma try hard to let me feel family warmth and honestly i can really feel it. i really appreciate all their effort in doing so! all these doesnt stay long. sth will always cropped up to ruin everything. maybe it is not as bad as it sounds. i guess i might have exaggerated it because im feeeling a bit upset.

i used to escape all these by staying in hall. there are a couple of reasons why i chose to withdraw from hall. sometimes it is best not to witness anything and be ignorant. it saves u from being upset, irritated, disappointed, disgusted etc.

i do miss hall life. i do miss cheer. sometimes i wonder if i quit cheer was really due to my back or i know that i wouldnt be useful in cheer. in short, a coward who quits knowing that i would just be standing at the sideline even if i tried. maybe i really am a coward. someone who is afraid that her ego might be crashed. sigh. sometimes i dont even know if i had made the right decisions. zz

actually my life isnt that bad either. not too long ago, a friend whom i hadnt contacted for a rather long time told me that im his good friend.i was honestly touched. i have friends who i hadnt met for a long while but we do not feel weird getting together to catch up. how many people gets that? i am sure not many. there are people who puts in a lot of effort in maintain relationships w people but they dont get friends like mine:D

after typing this whole lot makes me feel so much betterrrr. wahaha. alright, happy chinese new year people!(:

2012-01-01T04:16:00.001+08:00

Happy new year!!! This is my first post in 2012! Whee! I hope things will go well and I really pray that I can get a job!!! Heh

2011-12-26T20:42:00.001+08:00

Things go completely out of control only when we allow it to do so by being a complete wreck. I guess we all need to find that cool in dealing things that cropped up from nowhere. Such incidences would definitely throw us off the path but if we allow it to eat into us, We are essentially permitting it to go complete haywire.

2011-12-26T13:23:00.001+08:00

I like how things are between us. Always open to discussion etc. it definitely decreases conflict, argument. I hope this will go on. Heh. Anw we exchanged our birthday present alr! I tot he was getting me clothes. That pig. Ticked mex he first gave me earphones and I tot that was the gift that he wanna give me. After I gave him his, he said oops I forgot and reached inside his cupboard from a black paper bag. Yes, that's right that's my actual birthday gift. Fn stupid right that pig! Hahahah. Thankful for him. I am blessed (:

2011-12-26T07:59:00.001+08:00

I feel that if something were to happen, it would be no matter what. Don't be so petty, insecure and letThings happen natuarally.

2011-12-25T21:48:00.001+08:00

Did so much more prep and yet my results still cui. Super sian. Sigh. I tot this would be the sem to pull my gpa up apparently not. Zzz..

2011-12-25T21:45:00.001+08:00

I was all hyped up to post sth happy. I'm not now. I want to be stronger. I have to be stronger. I shouldn't let myself fall just last time. No.. I can't afford to do so. I can't stop things from making me feel weak so the only way to circumvent is to be stronger. I will be.

2011-12-21T19:07:00.001+08:00

my last year in hall, my last year to get a shot at the ihg gold medal. do i want it? why arent i trying hard enough? even if i dont want it, i still have to think abt my team mates right? how can i be so selfish and crush their dreams, hope like this? i need to toughen up. no giving up on the pitch. no ball watching.

2011-12-09T23:23:00.001+08:00

I think it's because tat I am insecure that I am acting this way. It's not that I don't trust him not he doesn't assure me. It's just me. I'm afraid. I am the biggest stumbling block. I need to overcome myself. I'm sorry sweetheart:x

2011-12-03T03:04:00.001+08:00

alright, i hav alr sat for the last paper that i take as an undergraduate! i have graduated unofficially! WHEEE!insomnia hit me last night. hell terrible:( only managed to fall aslp 3ish and woke up at 7. awake till NOWWW. lol. im a superwoman! haha.

3.5 years in ntu has been rather a ride. i went to the school attached and leaving the school attached but with a different guy. i saw myself crumble in the first year and was on an emotional roller coaster in the subsequent years. when i stopped hoping and had resigned to fate, he appeared in my final year. i think he is the best gift that ntu has given me. haha. sometimes im afraid that i have fallen too deep, too fast :x when im alone, the previous relationship trauma would remind me once in a while that i shouldnt think that we would hav a future together:x when im with him, he kinda reassures me with his actions. sometimes im afraid that i appear to be too needy etc that he might not like it. LOL. shit. where is the cool me.tskk. i dont how this would be, but all i wanna say is that im really glad to have met u and proud to hav u as my bf. u are really an awesome bf(: (sometimes i feel that i said this too many times that it has lost its meaning and is annoying:( but this is really how i feel and i suck at keeping my feelings. maybe i should refrain from expressing my feeling, thoughts etc:x)

heh. enough of praising that stupidboy. let me go on with my rather eventful day today. i went back home tgt with him to meet my family. i was surprised to see so many of them at home and soooo many gifts for me from US! wahahahaha. im super super happy. i have a brand new makeup set! yayyyness. we had a mini birthday celebration for my ah ma too cos i didnt attend the birthday celebration that was held abt two weeks ago. im glad that my ah ma likes the durian cake and i think shes rather pleased w my bf. at least she doesnt think that hes mcp! heh. but she did warn me abt the possibility of him changing his heart after i enter the workforce while hes still in sch. i guess it bound to happen theres no way we can stopped it right? anw i guess the meeting was alright and he finds my ah ma cute. LOL.

later in the night, there was an impromptu meeting with my BFFs. it was super rather and we had full attendance! i think we are beginning to get closer all because of the constant bullshitting on whatsapp! HAHA. but im really enjoying myself with them be in on whatapp or hanging out with them! im really happy to have them as my BFF till now! its been close to a decade! i used to think that im not needed and thus drift away from them intentionally but aft i broke up in year one, i realised that they were there for me. im also used to telling them every single thing about me because they are opened to me too. we talk abt which guy we have crush on, our progress with them, our encounters with the weirdos in our daily environment etc. we gonna have slumber party on new year's eve and they are gonna wat hav a shuffling competition!-.- i need to youtube! LOL. dies. i suck at this. can i withdraw from this and join u girls again aft that? LOL.

okay i think i should slp so that i can accompany my grandmother to the doc tml. nights world!<3

2011-11-30T20:53:00.001+08:00

done w my second last paper in ntu. one more to go. omg. i feel the inertia to sleeeepp. i need helppp.i hav no motivation to study at all. OMG. i wanna die. :(

COME ON VANESSA TAN CHOON MAY! LAST EXAM OF UR UNDERGRADUATE YEAR! END IT WITH A BANG! i can do this. 2 more nights of mugging!

2011-11-29T12:57:00.001+08:00

I CANT BELIEVE I DID LIKE 4 PAST YEAR PAPERS. lol i think the max number of pyp i used to do is maybe 2. LOL. i think for the previous mod i did 5midterm papers and 3 pyp. i must be crazy man. i even did one pyp for my last mod. LOL. sth must be really wrong up there. hahaahah. but im satisfied! WAHAHA. i told bel this and she said, " you hav finally become the roomie that ive always desired u to be." -.- bitchy max. hahaha. waiting for stupid ky to get up and lunch. zz.

hes such a poor thing. he didnt slp aft his paper till 3am just to acc me. thank you! and.. hes gonna cook dinner for his roomie n i tonight. yayyy. i used to think that no one can beat the standard that gh had set but ky showed me "nice" on a whole new level! heh. thank you, sweetheart(:

2011-11-28T04:28:00.001+08:00

when all these thoughts that made u think back on the decisions that u hav made and the things that had happened recently, i cant help but to think if i had made the right decision. is that the best decision? hav i jumped into it way too soon? this question keep running through my mind, swallowing me up slowly.

ALRIGHT. quit this shit. u didnt stay up for this!bb

2011-11-27T21:29:00.001+08:00

HAVE I MENTIONED HOW MUCH I ABHOR CARBOHYDRATES?! omg. its back to haunt me. ahhhhhhh. I SHALL OVERCOME U BITCHHH. TSKKKKKKK. 428428428428428 bring it on.

2011-11-24T20:05:00.001+08:00

and soooo i sat for my first paper in my unofficial last semester in school. haha. it was good. i think the paper was doable not very tough nor was it easy. a pat on my back for the effort put in for this mod:D if not i think i would hav panicked when i do the synthesis question. heh. i was so frustrated initially cos i was unsure if i did one of this qn correctly and cldnt find it. i just found it.... im right. YAYYY!!! ohoh i earn myself a easy 5marks by trusting my instinct and dump reductive amination in. HAHAH. thats correct too.wheeeee. shit i sound like some greeeekkkk. bleah. i dont care... lol:p

alright, time for the next mod. i havent studied-.- will be bacck:D

2011-11-21T03:40:00.001+08:00

this would be the last exam period for me in ntu at least for a long while i guess. my first paper is this thurs, asymmetric chemistry. im feeling the jitters. ive studied a twice but i still dont feel confident at all. ive no idea why. i feel so empty and stupid. i hav no reason to not do well for any mod this sem. at least a b+ for all please. argggg. feel like an empty shell. like a serious. :X

2011-10-22T18:41:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. I wish I can f care abt everything and anything around me. The sad truth is I can't. It isn't me to do so. As I try to mend things, making it as good as before, I often stumble and fail. I just want it to be back like before. I just want good things to last. Sadly, it just wasn't meant to last at all. They are transient. I guess I'm too naive and cared too much. If I can, I wanna leave here for good.

2011-10-15T10:31:00.001+08:00

Why do I have so many spelling mistakes?! Lol. Exam is coming! Scared but aren't doing much! This cannot be the way van tan! U need to wake up! Arg

2011-10-13T18:53:00.001+08:00

Have you ever felt like shouting out loud how u feel other than when u are feeling upset? I feel extremely happy n blessed today and I just wanna tell the whole world! I duno y but there is this surge of emotions that I wanna let it out. Heh. Babylove, I love you alot even tho we haven't been together for a long time(: I dun use to do such stuff but I guess when u meet someone right or meet someone who makes u feel right there's alot of rules tat u are willing to bend:D

2011-10-09T22:06:00.001+08:00

i almost lost one of the rings that my ah ma gave me while playing basketball in the arcade with ky, cm and bel. i was so scared. it was so dark and i did not know where it flew to. after the game, they came to help me find. it was really a long search and i almost gave up hope. i even told ky to stop the search twice but he did not. he continued to look for the ring. we even got the arcade person to open the cage underneath the machine so that we could look for the ring. we still could not find it. i was so stunted that i did not know how to feel. after the looking for the ring under machine, he went on to look under the machine of the table hockey. i saw him hop/run to the other side of the machine. HE FOUND THE RING. actually all of us did look under the machine but did not notice the ring at all. at that very moment, it felt as though someone just lifted 50kg of rice off me. i was really happy! it is back on my finger:D happy girl.

and soooo we went on date the next day.our very first date after we got together:D we went to vivo for mango chicken from white dog's cafe. BUT they have already changed their menu. no more mango chicken. damn saddd but i think the company made it up for it:D anwwwwww i saw gh on the train that i was taking when i was on my way to vivo. i somehow had the courage to walk up to him to say hi. heh.

back to my date. we watched friends with benefits. it was niceee. hahaa. and i had icecream from awfully chocolate for the first time. HAHA. niceee. it tastes something chocolate fudge brownie from ben and jerry's. we were supposed to have ben and jerry's though. i left the voucher in hall in the gold bag. zz. havent really indulge in ice cream for a long long long time. bimbos used to hang out at ben and jerry's and we would share this waffle icecream. since im on diet, i should eat such stuff right? HAHA. i love foood and dieting is killing me. BUT for the sexy figure and probably a slimmer face, i will grit my teeth and bear with it! i shall not be tempted by foooooood! u know my bf cannot stop feeding me w food!!!:( he makes sure i eat every meal and with meat. he would pass me meat if i did not have any on my plate. hahaha. stupidboy. he knew i like salmon and he gave me like one whole piece of it and he was left with like one?damn stupid right?LOL.

oh and on monday he surprised me by appearing at nie to pick me up from class.HAHA. feeeel so blessed:D hes been a really nice chap. hopefully it ends here;p

2011-09-30T10:56:00.003+08:00

and so rach finally said sth abt me being attached. she reminded me of the 5-yr lesson that i kinda paid heavily for. of cos i dun wan a repeat of whatever that has happened. like wat she said, all's gonna be good at the start. what is gonna happen later on, no one knows. i tot gh and i would last cos i tot we had a rather strong foundation etc. however i was terribly wrong. he still kinda left me for someone else. i am not sure if history gonna repeat or would i be dumped for another reason like incompatibility?

i always tot gh as someone really nice and sweet. one who knew me inside out. one who knew wat i want or need before i even opened my mouth. one who loved to give me small surprises. in the end, it had ended in a way i least expected it.

this bf, he is someone i never tot i wld meet. i always tot that i wld never meet someone as nice or nicer than gh. he took good care of me when i was unwell and when i had terrible cough. he made pipagao drink and honey water for me to ease my cough. when we were at pulau ubin, he was w me most of the time just so that i wouldnt feel left out or weird in the outing. he nv fail to make to laugh at his sillyness when we talk. he probably doesnt know me very well and may or may not give me small surprises like gh did but i know that he is trying his best to improve himself for me. he knew i cant stand it when ppl heck care abt studies so he tries to study and be hardworking.he knows that i want my own space and freedom so he doesnt restrict me even when i told him im gonna club w frens. he just didnt think it is safe for me to go esp when im going w a grp of girls. he still allows me to just that i have to promise not to drink too much and let him know when im home. hes really accommodating. compared to him, i feel lousy. it feels like he had done a zillion things for me, for this relationship while i had done none. i duno how long he would remain sweet and nice to me. i duno how long we would stay tgt or if we cld withstand being in different phases of life.

i do know if this were to end up the same as the previous, it would be a really huge blow and i guess i might take a longer time to recover:x very weak right? hahah. i wish us all the best!:D

2011-09-29T13:40:00.001+08:00

it gets annoying when ppl tells u that ur relationship is fake, not gonna last, dun be too serious etc. no form of encouragement at all. i feel that if u dun wanna encourage, u dun hav to discourage too. zz

2011-09-26T01:03:00.002+08:00

its been a weeek since we got tgt and i cannot express how happy i have been for the past weeeek. hahah truly happy and feeel blissful? (: thank you. my eyelids are heavyyyyyyyyyy, update again some other time!:D

2011-09-19T09:59:00.002+08:00

18th sept past midnight, i got attached. it is a day that i tot would never come. after all, no one really liked me since i broke up. i think whoever is watching this up there, pitied me and sent me him at my last year of university. HAHA. it has truly been an amazing ride from the point we know each other till now. ppl might think that we progressed a little too fast but hey can you ever put a schedule to the progress of your relationship? it is not like i dun think that we are too fast. i do but i guess it doesnt hurt taking it to the next level(: i feel that we should just let nature takes its course. when the feeling is there, just do it:D

i am happy that im attached aft soo long and this time this bf really treats me well. thank you for appearing(:

2011-08-21T00:02:00.003+08:00

shoooooo the lows that i felt two days ago. i am sorry if i had made anyone of you worried. heh. theres so much to do these days and im barely coping. i wan to be on task but yet i gave in to my random mood swings and laziness! HOWWWW?! arg. tml is another day of no mugging day! i would be meeting rene rene for shopping! HAHA. nice. i love it man. hopefully can get sth cheap! TOPSTOPSTOPS! THERE MUST BE NICE TOPS THAT I WILL BE ATTRACTED TO! no more dresses! whenever i online shop in the attempt to get more tops, i would end up getting dresses! this cant be! argggg. pray for nice tops tml and to get basics like inner tube, razor back. yepyep!(:

2011-08-18T15:57:00.002+08:00

i just feel like letting myself go and cry as much as i can. i feel so tired of holding back. bad day

2011-08-18T10:50:00.003+08:00

maybe what others said about me is right. i am still living in the past. i am not moving forward. what am i to do when the memories are all so beautiful and it touches my heart and occasionally makes my heart wrench when i recall them? tell me what should i do when everything in the past seems better and more perfect than the present?

a dead sweet bf whom tried his best in putting that smile back on ur face when you are down.

a dead silly bf whom tried all ways to forget about you when u were a bitch.

a dead loving bf whom made the effort to wake up early just to make breakfast for you, travel just to bring u a little surprise, drew you the future with him in it.

maybe after 2 years plus, i am still not over.

2011-08-12T21:00:00.003+08:00

done with first week of schh!! i went for my first hockey trng with xixi on monday late! hahaha. damn funny! im glad she enjoyed it!(: i had a hard time masking my skills! lol. we met up w rene rene aft our class and she was EARLY for the first time! HAHAHAH. she said it is the first and the last time that she would be on time!-.-

the rest of the days were rather boring except on thurs and today. bel and i went to jash after cheer training on thurs. jabril, one of the co-caps, offered to drive us to zouk after training. we did some stunts that we wanna teach the freshmen on freshmen welcome this coming wed. we had fun doing that cos we made the guys be the flyer while we girls are the bases. hahaha. had a good laugh. we then proceed on to recap on our basics such as elevator and extension. i fell on my first attempt doing elevator and extension. i felt really lousy cos the rest did them pretty smoothly! :( after that, we did reload then elevator, extension liberty etc. i am the only one who cannot lib without help. double :( i guess im not meant to be flyer and im too heavy for the bases. i wanna thank mark for being so encouraging and it really spurt me on. thank you very much! that training reminded me why i stayed on with the team when i kept failing. it was them, my team mates who kept me going(: xiexie!

anyhow, we head over to zouk after training. i was asked for my ic! i think its cos of my dressing that he tot i wasnt of age to enter the club. i didnt bring anything for the event cos i tot i had wearable clothes for the event. i had to borrow from belbel. lucky she has dresses if not i would hav wore tee and shorts. haha. so cui. the female freshmen were rather well dressed for the event. u could tell that they were heading to a club at one look. i duno if i should jump into conclusion that they are all clubbers or they had done well in mimicking one. heh.

we saw jonjon taking care of this p clan freshmen who was totally gone outside zouk. hah. terence, mark and i headed in first cos bel had to wait for des kho for her tix. we squeezed our way in and had a hard time looking for ppl from k clan. bel text me and asked me to look for des kho. it was so freaking hard cos everyone looks the same and there were 16 halls! i didnt manage to find him but guessed that she has met him as she had stopped replying me. wat a bitch right? tsktsk. while i was looking for des kho, this guy from hall 16 who is also my coursemate kept wanting to dance w me. i knew i would regret if i do so so i escaped to the podium with my freshmen. haha. i couldnt get high so i headed over to the bartender for some drinks with pork. i had 3 tequila shots at once. i was surprised that i didnt puke.haha. headed back to the podium to dance. one of the female freshmen was dancing so violently that many got hit by her. it was really uncomfortable with her around and it didnt help when we had limited space -.- i was almost pushed down on one occasion. this freshmen whom was said to be perverted was dancing behind me and i was so afraid! :x i couldnt wait for him to get off the podium. we took the last bus back to hall and the big dance action freshmen was GONE. she wanted to drink more and refused to go back to her room. she wanted to drink from the jar that this unknown guy was holding at the dance floor back in zouk. the funny thing was she didnt drink a lot and shes a clubber! she clubs at least twice a week! OMG. she goes to club to be taken advantage by guys. i heard from my yr two fren that her other fren who is in her batch gets tipsy and french guys and girls. this is crazy! i mean it is alright that you love to club but as girls, i feel that you should know how to take care of yourselves at such places. if u cannot drink so much, dont drink so much. you should know your limits. i told loo abt this and my opinions on such acts, he said im sensible. LOL. why does it sound like he nv knew this side of me?0.o

we went back to rj aft three yrs! rj has undergone hell lot of changes during this three years! we were like tourists visiting an attraction! HAHA. we took many photos and bump into roy and ivy. they have been keeping in contact with most of our classmates while we were pretty much in our own world.. heh. it has always been like this:) through them, i found out that poey and suelynn broke up, divya and boon han ended on a very bad note such that they refuse to talk to each other and the future plans of some of them. it is great to hear that they are all doing well in their fields! loo said i made him proud cos i came in w shit results and grad w decent grades. he even told my story of my fellow juniors!heh. even though i didnt get prefect score nor was it straight Bs, i was happy and still am.and oh he changed his opinion abt uni. he used to tell us that you can play a lot in uni now he said uni is no longer fun w everyone being so competitive! hah. sigh i miss everything about rj and i will always remember the times and the brilliant teachers i had:D anw, roy and ivy are still going strong! im so happy for them! they are soo cuteee!:D

on a serious note, i told loo that im thinking between mba and msc. he said msc quite useless and mba is better.he encourages me to take phd in chem. :s scaredd. i will see how it goes. meanwhile i shall check out the mas invitation for job application and see how it goes!

gonna go for steamboat with the freshmen tml, prayer at the temple on sun and night cycling next fri! my first and last night cycling event in hall! haha.no one can believe that i hav nv joined such events. heh.

anw, kerry told bel that i am too independent so guys dun dare to pursue me! HAHAH. he said that i have this aura that tends to push guys away. HAHAH. oh well.. whatever man. heh. kuai le jiu hao.wheeee.

2011-07-11T13:47:00.002+08:00

yayy just watched love keeps going ep6! NICE:D

it seems like going through a makeover to make one looks more attractive after a breakup is perfectly normal! i guess that is why i permed my hair. wahahah.

anw, i went for the finals ytd and i think..... i wanna play premier next year! hahah. i think i will start attending ntu's trng to prep myself for the matches and get back my form! :D cannot wait to shine on the pitch again!!!!!

actually, i have been thinking quite a bit for the past few days. i think gh didnt know me very well. i do not think that he knows that i am emotional and i tear easily when i watch scenes that are touching. i do not think that he knew that whenever i see the pitch, it calms me down. looking at the hockey pitch is therapeutic. i believe someone better will come by if not i will be better and stronger than before:D

on a much much higher tone, i truly appreciate the friends who stood by me all these while. i have a friend whom i rarely contact but when we meet, there are tons to share and talk about. we do not feel awkward with each other and she even said that she would want me to be her bridesmaid if she gets married. hahahaah. cool right? even though i might be unfortunate in some ways, i am really blessed in many other ways!((:

2011-07-03T17:21:00.003+08:00

everytime when im feeling a lil low and there isnt any drama that interest me, i will rewatch boys before flowers or autumn concerto. i duno why. maybe these are the two dramas that really manage to get my emotions up and down. dramas that made me cry alot. sounds like im tormenting myself right? WAHAHAHA. maybe! TSKTSK.

anw the last drama that i watched was smiling pasta. it is very light-hearted and it is probably another drama that i will rewatch. it made me laugh n tear. hahah. very simplistic and straightforward.

my princess and secret garden are good drama cos of the plot. my uncle said that im weird cos i dun watch english shows.maybe i would watch. maybe start w csi or lie to me( i think thats the title). oh well will see. i need to read my korean tooo. heh:D

2011-06-28T17:03:00.003+08:00

因为不喜欢失望的感觉所以选择遗忘。

the line above is something i got out of the recent drama that i have completed. this is how i feel and i hope i will be able to achieve it!(:

been jogging a little here and there. been thinking a lot, about the past, about how i have changed. i really have many memories in this neighbourhood. the boyish me running about, climbing here and there to the girl who yearned to be someone of importance to a stranger.

i want to find the old me back. the one who doesnt think much about anything and just be myself.

2011-06-19T13:28:00.003+08:00

Damn! My weight has reachEd a new high! :( super upset. Why is it that I pit on weight so easily!! Sian. Why can't I be like wanting? Eat ali but dun put on much. But thats also because she still attending national trainings. Ahhh why man! I wan thin legs n arms! I want to have a face shape that suits any hairstyles! Looks so horrible now. :( fatty van. Whys. Arg. I need to run. I need to have the motivation to run n workout. Burn those fats! Sigh

Anw, I realize that this is the last long holiday that I will have. Gahhh. My student life is gonna end in a year's time! Dooms. :( I wonder what's waiting for me in the future! I should approach it optimistically as I have encountered things that most people at my age hadn't so what's there to be afraid of? Aja lard van!

2011-05-31T22:38:00.002+08:00

I want to pen down my feelings in Korean. Perhaps someday I would if I better myself in the area. For now, all these thoughts shall be stuck

2011-04-23T21:59:00.002+08:00

my uncle's gf said that its high time i find a bf.she asked me abt guys in ntu. -.- den went on to say that i should go out more often, make more friends etc ( she was shocked to find me home when she came over again -.-||) and so she gave my ah ma the idea to ask my cousins and their bf to intro me guy friends all in the name of widening my social circle. ah ma said, " i want to drink the tea for ur tea ceremony." since she has alr made her request, as the very filial granddaughter, i will oblige. we'll see how it goes. maybe it will change my perspective that good guys are all taken? LOL. i pray for a prince. hahahaha.

did i mention that my ah ma has serious stm? the msg might not even pass to my cousins. my cousins will find the idea ridiculous and wouldnt take it seriously. plus my very high expectations.... i dun even think my cousins will bother looking for a guy close to my ideal:D

anw, have been feeling contented this whole week. no emo-ing abt not having anyone there. we are all greedy. greed makes us sad and the only way to around it is to be contented w what u have. (:

went out for sham 22nd and my ah ma tot i was out w gh. she has the wildest imaginations! nevertheless, it is still fun to have her around. :D

2011-04-18T19:32:00.002+08:00

saw this quote" Without Tasting the Worst situation,No one can Taste the Best things of Life... Dare to Face anything in Your Mysterious Life! " :D nth is certain in life. we all need to gamble once in a while isnt it? ((:

many blissful couples in cheer. im really happy for all of them! from stir shit to sth true and sweet.haha. for me, i think i will focus on academic, my future. no room for the second person at the moment or rather he hasnt shown up! HAH. still, i think i wanna try to achieve as much as possible in this life. i wan to do the impossibles. i might not be confident that i can do it but i believe things will turn out the way i want it to be. all i need is determination. im not sure how things will go when the road in front seems a lil dark and gloomy. i will see wat comes my way and the doors that are opened for me.

i hope to be able to work overseas n have intention to further my studies.

2011-04-09T22:15:00.003+08:00

and so i had outbreak for more than a mth! well done! pls revert back soooons! cannot tk it alr lahhh! sad. i jus realised how lonely i am! this is no good! the only ppl i interact daily is pork, bel n gk. without them, im super boredd. goshhh. this is bad. where is the independence! :(

anyhooos, frens hav been really concern abt my "happiness" aka my other half. frens in sch wld say "u are so active in hall im sure u hav suitors". those in hall wld say "ehh when is it ur turn (aft a new pair is formed)" or "cheerleading seems to be very "prosperous" in relationships. go find one in cheer" -.- some wld say " aiya as long as u lower ur expectations, u will be able to find one." i admit that i hav a long list of expectations but that doesnt mean i will follow strictly to that! it all boils down to FEELINGS still. i jus dont hav any suitors. PERIOD. gosh stop saying i hav high expectations. i hav alr come to terms that im not attractive to guys and im not wat they want. i shall live alone for the rest of my life. pffft

2011-03-12T00:29:00.002+08:00

each and everytime aft i hav watched a drama-mama i hav the I-DUN-CARE-I=WILL-ONLY-WAIT-FOR-THE=PERFECT-MAN thought/urge. heh. thats the effect these dramas hav on me. wahaha. i wonder if those who are ever green would feel this way or is this something got to do w those who had relationships before?

i kept asking myself this qn will i wait for the perfect man or will i jus get tgt w someone whom im fine w. LOL. seriously, i hav always been the kind that will only go into something if im very sure abt it. i seriously wonder how ppl can get into r/s without being absolutely sure that thats wat u wan to do or worse still, agree cos he ought to be given a chance.weird weird. haha. my eyes are shutting alr! major outbreak. arg. :(

2011-02-22T18:04:00.002+08:00

hello! i havent updated this space in a mth!

many things happen too quickly n i was busy w ihg n cheer. mayb i will do a reflection abt cheer sooon but not now cos i hav a quiz tml! WAHAHAHA

when u breakup, u would feel like its the end of the world. u wan things back to where they were. everyday when u woke up, u feel empty n horrible. it haunts u for days, weeks, mths! u stalk them when u miss them. u found out ugly truths, sides of them. u start to hate them, telling urself that they aint worthy of u n ur time. mayb lament abt being blind to have fallen for them. this seems to be the cycle that ive been seeing around me. i am included. WAHAHA but i am over this phase. i wonder if guys experience the same thing as us. heh jus curious.

you know that there is love when theres hate.

2011-01-02T00:16:00.002+08:00

2nd jan 2011

i would be dreading this time next yr. WHY? cos it will be my last semester in sch. okay mayb not. i will be doing my industrial attachment then i will grad from NTU. i really do not loook forward to it. i dun wan to grow up and face the ugly reality. i duno hw will it change me or how will i survive:(

some times i find myself really ridiculous. i can spend my new year eve all alone watching drama. i even ignore msgs from my frens. mayb i jus want some time alone. i rmb i went out shopping alone. lol. yet some times im afraid of being alone. i dun quite understand.

in 2010, i went to the cathay for the first time aft we broke up. i really havent been there for a loooong while. we had ben's n jerry n this is the first time i dun feel anything eating the ice cream. i used to mind eating it cos i was afraid that i would be reminded of u; being reminded of the times u buy me my favourite flavour to cheer me up, help me destress during quizzes n exams. being reminded of how u would lick the cover of the icecream.

some times it feels like im really to tk on anything that comes my way but some times i feel empty. mayb i indulge myself in those dramas bcos i need the thing called happily ever aft to fill this void and mayb allow myself to hav a reason to tear. i wonder if im self pitying. why does it seem like the end of the world or m i this emotional. HAH. i guess im jus emotional.:D

alright im goin to slp den get myself ready for the bz week ahead! i promise to achieve as much as i can this year! JIAYOU!

2011-01-01T03:14:00.002+08:00

aloha! happy new yr! yes, i was watching drama-mama again:D

will blog again!

2010-12-28T00:11:00.002+08:00

if im not wrong the bth of u are tgt now. anw i jus hope that u will not be caught in the same situation again for bgr. i noe it is torturing n i think experiencing once is enough!

i still care n i hav no idea why.another fren broke up n she keeps asking me why i dun hav a bf still n doesnt believe that no one is goin aft me

2010-12-17T02:37:00.002+08:00

need to quit being emo! LOL. but who blogs when they are happy/contented. i duno. unless theres like a special ocassion to do so like hmm birthday?

anyhows, a self note to myself.

it may seem bleak, it may be hopeless but dun give up all hopes. aft u are done whinning, rmb to pick urself up and move ahead for u may lose even more.

bel asked me if im affected by the fact that they hav gotten back tgt. my ans was no. she told me she wld be. like ive told my frens, i think i jus miss having someone there aft all i always had someone there for me till we broke up. this is really the longest time that im single so its a lil hard to get used to n mayb a lil upsetting? cos sometimes i start to doubt myself:s bad i noe. i become more concious and mayb a lil more reserved. hahha. no confidence man:(

i will get by this phase and den im done w relationships. time is all i need. i noe it is goin two yrs but u noe... habits are hard to kick so be a lil more tolerance towards me k?:( hahaha. k nights!

2010-12-15T02:21:00.003+08:00

u know the whole thing abt getting to know a foreigner n being attached to them is exciting meeeee inside out?! lol. recently i found two girls who are attached to ang mo. one is my pri sch fren n another is jus a girl i stalk.OOPS. but ya lah. the guys are damn sweeeet. one of them is very good looking and extremely sweeeet. OMG. why, tell me why such good deal doesnt happen to me? lol. one of my hall frens said that the reasons why im not atteached cos my social circle is tooo small n im too unapproachable. watever. i only wan ang mo. LOL.

good things doesnt come easy eh and i guess i dun hav such luck.

anw, exam has started and it sucks bigggie time. FELT SO STUPID AFT TODAY'S! i duno wat my future holds but i will keep exploring.

ps: go usa explore n hook up to a hot, sweeet ang mo??!! JUS KIDDNG. hahaha

PPS: I IS NOT DESPO. lol. jus think that it is coools.

2010-12-14T14:21:00.002+08:00

do u knw how it feels like when u walk out of the exam hall thinking abt the STUPID mistakes u made?

it eats me from the inside right aft i was done w it. i feel like the stupidest person. why did i try so hard n yet feeling like its the end of the world aft it?! why did i bother trying? was it beneficial at all? what is in this brain? why why didnt i read the qn properly b4 attempting? why do i keep making mistakes and lose soo much time. 25MARKS gone. wat the hell. this is one of the crucial mod n yet i actually lose so much marks!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WILL CRYING HELP? CAN I GET OUT OF IT N STUDY MY NEXT MOD?!

2010-12-09T20:57:00.002+08:00

u noe why some times some things are best to be left unspoken? i noe.

even if i noe, i will still wana dig out the truth. i guess it is the same for many. haha. this time, i cant be bothered. the heart has dead or rather it wants to live a life of its own. yep.

tml is the first paper! JIAYOU!

2010-12-07T20:58:00.000+08:00

2010-12-05T21:32:00.002+08:00

many a times, we want best of both worlds. we will rack our brains to achieve it. there are times when u just cannot help but choose between one. today, i made a decision and that is to give up continuing korean stage 3. i need to finance my driving test n i really need to pass this time. it is far too expensive to fail again!:(

mayb i will need to give up grad trip too? i hav no idea man. mayb im being unrealistic to want these stuff. u noe u jus wish that things come to u much easier so that u dun hav to be deprived of things that are so called basic needs of others.

if i had more interest in acad and hav a stronger foundation than what i hav now, i probably wldnt be struggling so much now:x

2010-11-25T01:26:00.002+08:00

and so my fren said that i shouldnt reply him even if he needed my hlp w work. LOL. i guess it is jus not me to ignore such ernest request?:s on a high high note, IM GONNA WATCH PLAYHOUSE THIS YEAR ON THE 4TH DEC!! omg i cant wait man!!(: the sad thing is that cy isnt acting!!! HAH.

im excited cos i noe it will be a very good play, sth that is worthy for me to give a few hrs of mugging to!lovelove. AHHHH. not performing in sch but i aint giving up! im not like those LOSERS who mc their exam jus because they think that it might affect their cap. seriously, be accountable for ur act. i admit i thought of mc-ing too but ive decided not to. i dun wan to be someone i detest! hw can i do sth that i dun think is right? not right to hav double standard on this issue. HAHA. okay im going to slp n mayb cry myself to death when i receive my result for the 40% quiz tml!

2010-11-22T23:02:00.002+08:00

i realised that one of my pri sch fren has a angmo bf! hw coool? hes a US militant. i wonder hw they met. seeing the things he did for her make me go awww. they are so sweet tgt(:

love is in the air!(:

2010-11-18T12:53:00.002+08:00

i saw the 16th Asian games photos on fb. i saw the hockey men's team in action. suddenly there is this surge of emotion flow from within. it kinda brought tears to my eyes. nono.. im not upset. it jus warms my heart when i see hw hard they fought for every ball and ian, my rj senior is back in the singapore hockey scene! im soooo happy cos hes truly an asset to the team.

u noe, it made me miss the adrenaline rush before every match that i represented singapore back then. it is no big deal being a national player here but i guess deep within we are still proud and happy to be doing sth for ourselves, for the country, doing sth that we hav passion for.

i wish team singapore all the best!!!

2010-11-17T21:11:00.002+08:00

trained hockey in the rain today. it felt sooo goood. i guess nth beats the enthusiasm
exuding from the two girls today!!<3

im sorry for neglecting my dear frens all these time. i will make it up to u aft my exam. DAMN FREAKING BZ W QUIZZES:( i love all of u still hopefully u guys still love me.:S

2010-11-14T22:24:00.001+08:00

AHHHH. FOCUS!

2010-11-08T19:14:00.002+08:00

i asked hy if she will marry her bf. she was very certain when she said yes. i asked if she knows that she n her bf is considered incompatible according to the horoscope. im surprised that she said she knows abt it.

i still rmb when horoscope predicts that gemini and capricorn isnt a match, it got me thinking alot; about the differences between us. hw true horoscope is in predicting our character. haha. now that i noe who's more compatible w capricorns, will i be able to accept guys of other horoscope? i guess i wld fear that it might not work and mayb stupidly let a guy slip by and wait for the one that matches my horoscope! HAHAH. im that silly:x

whatever man. im tired and headache is here to kill. :(

2010-11-06T23:09:00.002+08:00

lampy says that im damn dao n unfrenly. he urges me to make more frens and be more frenly. HAH. he also commented that w the long list of what my bf/husband to be, i will die alone.LOL. hes soo mean. zz. hehe.he said my life is boring. thanks ah! seriously, where hav my frens gone to?!!lol

i guess im surviving rather well this way:x oh well, i guess ive gotten used to this and my frens are bz w their stuff. good thing is that mas says she will meet up w me aft my exam n we will celebrate xmas or newyr tgt! daxiong said he will organise a party for new yr abt 28th dec or sth. HAHHA. yes. hes a grand senior whom i like talking to! haha. hes really funny and i get real excited when u see him. haha. he said i looked prettier the other time he came back to hall and recently he came back for riana's 21st he said my face looked thinner! yayness. it seems like im receiving compliments from older guys but not ppl around my age. tsk. wat is wrong man. LOL. heck. like ive told qing, take one thing at a time. if it comes it comes. if it doesnt, so be it lahh. aft 30yrs old, im not marrying.okay lah.. 35. hahaha.

i hav stupid marriage proposals w 2 guys. one will tk effect 9yrs later and another 10 yrs later.LOL. super stupid.hahahaha. heck. as long as im happy!

TO-DO LIST FOR THIS MTH:
HOCKEY TRNG(EVERY WEEEEK)
RUN(AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK)
314 QUIZ ON 15TH
MED 25TH
311 SOME DAY.
TECH CREW this wed for cult intro
exam welfare?
n secret trng every weeek till 2-3 weeks b4 exam

2010-11-06T01:27:00.002+08:00

i met sk n lampy today! yayness. i miss hw comfortable it is to talk to dem. like once the convo starts, it nv seem to stop or at least they bother to come up w a convo w u. i find that i cant talk to ppl other than those that im kinda closed to. this means my social circle isnt widening even when im rather high profile in hall. kinda pathetic eh? but heck. like wat lam said, im dao.i most prob gonna die alone.LOL. damn asshole

2010-10-29T02:52:00.002+08:00

jus to clarify, i wasnt angry when i posted the prev post. let me make myself clear, i jus wanted to find out what are the guys thinking as it happened to my frens. i dun wan to keep guess wat went wrong so i jus wan to hear the guys' side of story but he doesnt see a need in tell me. or wat he said was the bulk of it. lol. ahh whatever. im up n up again. i need to slp. nights world. i love my emo rooomie n i really miss my frens.

2010-10-28T14:31:00.003+08:00

and so we finally talked abt it but there wasnt a closure to it.

a lil msg to u: if u were in my shoes, im sure u will want to know wat went wrong too. what would made someone whom u had believed in to tell u the news that sent u crashing down. it wouldnt be easy for u to forget about it. what you had left me is a scar that tears open now n then. u can nv imagine hw much pain u had given me and hw much u hav change my mindset. i will be strong cos u arent that great afterall. i will plaster the wound over n over again such that it will not tear open. PERIOD.

2010-10-25T19:40:00.002+08:00

one of my frens jus broke up couple of weeks ago and the reason was the guy wanted to serve God? somewhere along the line. i tot it was rather courageous of him n my fren to take this step. as i follow her blog, i realised that guy seems to be getting on rather well without her. according to her, he has been goin to places exclusive to the both of them with his frens. mind you, they only broke up for 1.5mths.

i rmbed i swore that i will nv set foot in The Cathay. i even had my fren to change the venue to watch movie. if u broke up because of special reasons and that you still love the person, is it logical to do or visit places that are exclusive to the bth of u with ur frens? wouldnt it hurt like mad when u are there? is it that guys picked up themselves MUCHMUCH faster than we girls do that they can do things that were once exclusive to him and his ex or they are very good at concealing their feelings such that even when they are hurting inside, no one cld tell? i really wan to know hw guys work and what are they thinking.

i told hy abt me n gh. she said she wld hav asked me to break up if him should she hav known abt it earlier. she said that i havent met the best so i will meet someone better. i am not that hopeful.. lol.

anw i think gh is slightly better. for the one mth aft we broke up, he smsed me. some times he would say things that i know he still cares and mayb disappointed that we didnt work out like i feel shitty. i duno even noe wat is the right thing to say to cheeer u up.. but of course he didnt say stuff that make me wannna KILLL him.ie i was right to do so(the breakup) cos u left me alone to pick myself up. still, i think i he has a place in my heart.:x

mayb he will only be erased aft i met someone better n aft like 2 yrs of interaction n jio-ing? LOL.

study study for nowwww (:

2010-10-21T16:45:00.002+08:00

im kinda enjoying what singlehood gives me but of cos it includes random moments of emo-ness, loneliness. HEY, i know i can overcome these lil stuff because u can and i hav awesome roomie n frens w me. oh i forgot, the ever busy hall and uni life to keep u out of mind.

okay lahh. mayb at times when im muggin i wld miss those times we studied n chiong for our major exams tgt, how u wld always be there physically or morally, visits to my hall when i confined myself, bring lots of food n fruits as tho theres no canteens ard, the stupid but cute pic of urself holding a piece of paper that says i love u, giving me surprises, the calls n msgs daily to simply keep in touch n stay connected. thats all abt being in a relationship. i would always miss those times even tho i know we cant be frens or rather u are unwilling to be frens again.

alright back to heterocyclicccc(:

i miss u, ex-bestfriend.

2010-10-21T00:47:00.001+08:00

OMG. i seriously cannot stand 314. KILL MEEE.arggg.

i reallllly miss u a lot BUT i shall learn to love 314.

2010-10-16T21:17:00.003+08:00

it was naive n probably something nice to say to end it. now, i know that it is not possible. i will not try again.

i will focus on things that matter more. like my frens, studies and losing weight! the fats should not be accumulating!!!!!!:( fat vanesssaaaaaa:(

2010-10-16T00:31:00.000+08:00

the hardest part always takes the most time.

2010-10-15T14:12:00.002+08:00

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO. i really wonder why m i so dumb. why m i so stupidd.. i need to muggy soon. entre project, mids. i feel so tired n im lazy to do anything. should i get some slp b4 embark on entre?

2010-10-11T19:07:00.002+08:00

i know i shouldnt talk to him when i know that wat he says still affect me.it is not always the case tho. recently, i find myself not wanting to talk to him alr. it gets boring when someone isnt interested to tok to u even when u meant well. it irritates me. why do you wan to be nice when that someone isnt appreciative? even if we are only frens, i dun think this is too much or i hav crossed the line. im not gonna care alr. theres too much on my hands.

anws, 311 was a biggie bitch! whywhy was i so kanchiong? why was i panic till i cldnt match the spectra to the correct compound? why i cant even pick out 8 qn to do? why didnt i read alll qn aft picking?!

VANEESSSAAA, wake up!

2010-10-08T22:29:00.003+08:00

am i too trusting? i should hav some faith right? thats how a good relationship is built and also it wld be a rather good way to make that person feel guilty if he has some conscience.my life has been rather interesting. i think it all started when i was in rj and it is still going on. i guess it is because of all these lil challenges that make me mature faster than my peers. hwever, i wld love that my life improves from now on cos i think im getting old and tired dealing such matters.

a bettter tml!(:

2010-10-03T15:29:00.001+08:00

so many times, so much memories, at the end of the day u are still the one i turned to.

2010-09-30T03:34:00.002+08:00

wonders if i have anything tat i should change?ppl around me thinks that im fierce.am i really fierce or i jus talked loudly?is it how im brought up or just a result of wat ive been thru thus far? mayb it is bth?

srewed it

2010-09-23T12:12:00.003+08:00

mayb like wat bel said is true. wheneven im goin thru sth impt, big in my life i would miss him terribly. mayb.. i am so used to having him around, him being there whenever i needed him. i guess i need a really long time to get used to being alone.

fiz status was this " the one is the one when u havent met the next." i so agree. it is not whether that person that u are w now is the one. it is whether u treat her/him as the one. is he/she u wana hold on to.i guess i did but he didnt and he did in his recent relationship but the girl didnt. it is really hard to hav bth parties thinking the same way.

2010-09-22T23:21:00.002+08:00

i missed u. i really did. but i aint gona do anything

2010-09-11T13:51:00.003+08:00

mayb my fren is right that ive changed aft the breakup. good or bad?

2010-08-30T20:17:00.003+08:00

mayb like bel said i still like him. the more i talk to him the more i feel upset. u noe that things are different and you are not expecting anything from him. it jus doesnt feel good to know that im really a history and that im jus another fren aft all that we had been thru tgt, all the time we had spent tgt. it jus doesnt feel good to noe all these are insignificant now.

ahh. screwed it

2010-08-15T17:34:00.002+08:00

i opened the box and read the contents of it ytd. give me a few more yrs and i will throw the box that contains 5yrs of memories and the roses away.

doing agm report now and hall foc is tml! omg. im dreadingg. cos sch is starting! shit.

2010-08-12T15:55:00.002+08:00

he came to talk to me a few days ago. i was nervous initially and felt rather comfortable and excited aft that. it felt like talking to a very good friend whom i hav lost contact with. i am sure i would feel the same if any of my good friend goes away for a loooong time and we didnt manage to talk during that period. it felt goood. that was also when he told me hes single and i guessed he is quite affected by the break up.he said im mre humourous now as compared to before. is it true? i thought ive always been like this?

i am glad that after all that has happened, the impression that we had left on each other is very much the same. we both still think highly of each other and this i thought is hard to come by. frankly speaking, i havent met anyone be it younger, older or same age attracts me like he does. okay, mayb bel's bf make the mark but he is one out of the so many guys i know. attraction here doesnt refer to physical attraction. i meant his character and personality. hes not perfect. he has his flaws and i was willing to accept it all. even when the relationship turned sour, i still loved him the same. till now, he is still someone i really admire. i guess it is this admiration that made me hopelessly in love in him. i guess this is why i still havent forgotten him. my character plays a part in this too. i am one who will give my all in a relationship if i really really love that person.i am incapable of withdrawing myself out of it fast and this is why i will hav times when i look back and wished that it was all a dream. HAHA. im okay lahh. jus ranting. heh. (:

2010-07-30T22:32:00.002+08:00

yo jeum eo ddoeh kye ji nae yo? it means how are u nowadays.

i hav wanting to ask u how hav u been doin. are u well but i think it is evident that you are well based on the photos ive seen thus far. u and her are still tgt and loving. i dun think theres a need to ask. ya, im still at it. it is really not easy to put everything behind and move on.

frankly speaking, i think i am coping better than ive expected. theres always sth to look forward to every week. it was not jus waiting for you to give us some time tgt, looking forward to the particular day of the mth. i hav my frens. up till now, i still hav ppl i havent met for catch up sessions. i hav alr met some a couple of times and we are still goin to meet up. next week i will be meeting my course mates and mayb catch my dad's darts game. the following week i will be meeting sup and the rest. my sec sch frens whom i havent met for a quite some time i think we are meeting soon. i jus rmb i havent replied my pri sch fren regarding meeting up. my life is a lil empty yet colourful. i am blessed.

i am gonna be the fake freshie for the upcoming hall camp! i used to be excited but im dreadin it now. i think is because of the age. HAHA. oh wait hav i shared a gooody news w u? i aced the mod i took for special sem! hahaha. happpy!! i was really shocked as i didnt attend lesson much due to travelling.with that i managed to make up for the horrendous results i got last sem(:

sch will be starting in a mth's time! i will JIAYOUUUU. heh. thats all folks!:D

2010-07-16T00:42:00.002+08:00

the dramas that i would usually watch are involved bgr. in specific, how two individuals overcome all sorts of obstacles when they are brought tgt not by choice. i just caught takre care young lady where there is a twitch of roles. in the usual dramas, the male lead wld always be one who is rich and arrogant. i wanted to watch sth; a switch of roles in particular. the drama was hmm bad. hah. it was kinda boring. personal preference was nice. it captivated me much more than take care young lady. it made me wanna watch, cry uncontrollably. it wasnt because it was touching. i guess it hit the button. a button that allows the overwhelming emotions that i hav been tryin to keep at bay to drown me over n over again.

i asked my mama, is daddy ur knight in a shinning armour? my mama smiled and asked, hw is it with ur bf. is he ur knight in a shinning armour?

ther are things that i wld wanna pen down but i guess this isnt the place i should do so.

na neun ja yo.

2010-07-03T01:02:00.002+08:00

I always ask myself " Why do I have to go through so much while others lead a fairly comfortable life?"

Do you remember how much i needed you and trusted you to be able to take me away from these?

Will these ever end? Will i ever feel lighter?!

What I want is easy, JUST F-ING LEAVE ME ALONE

2010-06-30T22:31:00.002+08:00

the route to work seems to bring back alot of memories. memories that i thought i wld nv forget but somehow i did. things that were once important to me are being deleted. i cannot rmb wat happened in that place which seems familiar to me. looking at the flowers on my table, it doesnt bring the kind of pain, anguish that i used to feel. im not sure wat im feeling nw.

on a higher note, last sun was bel's 21st birthday party!! i cldnt slp the night b4 n im not sure why so i was really tired that day. i i didnt tok much to my hall mates, jus stayed w the rj ppl n played bridge. haha. oh i got a hot pink nails n black toe nails. heh. love it:D

tml will be my first driving lesson(: happpy(: oh n no work tml cos my bosses will nt be in the office! double yayyy(:

2010-06-19T03:05:00.002+08:00

im beginning to wonder is it feelings or phobia? all along i believed that it was phobia. oh wait, did i force myself to believe so?probably it is sth that i hope is true. well, i guess this is inevitable especially when im actually someone whom treasures relationships. im not only referring to bgr here. im also referring to kinship and frenship.

i noe who are the ones helping me and showered me with care n concern in his own ways. i am deeply grateful to him. i shall not go on lest someone finds out. haha. it is not the identity of the person that im hiding but the things that he has done. yep. pls do not think that i hav a new target. lol. probably the target has nv changed. haha.

comparing cl and gh, after breaking w cl i went on revenge. i dated one aft one and i liked none.as for gh, i didnt hav the impulse to do so. in fact, i feel that i cannot love anymore. i cannot commit to another relationship. these two experience are hmm two extremes? wat im trying to say is that i guess i hav really matured over the years and the way i handle things are different now.

life brings you alots of surprises; it may bring you up and it may destroy you. it all depends on hw you see it and of course the support of the love ones are imperative. whatever that comes in your way serves to teach and mould you into someone much more incredible and wiser. going on 21 years of life, i hav really learnt alot from this thing called life. if someone so pessimistic like me could see life in an optimistic way im sure anyone out there will be able to do so. let's all work hard for our future and may we triumph over the challenges that life poses us!(:

2010-06-15T20:20:00.002+08:00

these words arent entering my brain. i feel anguish but at the same time im too unwell to feel so. from the time i woke up till now, i feel sick, weird as tho the body is not mine. i think my bod is rebelling:(

have yet settled bel's present. omgg. someone pls SAVE MEEEE! :(

2010-06-13T23:35:00.003+08:00

it is funny that i would want to see things that i know it may affect my mood. mayb i jus wan to know if i would be affected. the truth is i am. it is both sad and happy. sad that my heart still aches but happy to know that he is happily in love. i wonder when will i not be affected by these stuff. it took me 4yrs to not ache for this particular guy. i am really curious how long i will tk tis time.haha. it is interesting. lol. if the times spent/emotions invested has a linear relationship with the time needed to not feel a thing den i will tk really long this time. abt 4 times the time i used to forget that guy.hoho.we shall see.

ANW, i am not upset. lol. jus a thought(: i am as happy as ever. i have lovely frens w me, endless programs w u girls and things to learn. why wld i feel sad?:D my life is even more beautiful than i was attached! i am really glad and thankful for all the fun and experiences i had during this period. it might be one of the darkest period that i have gone thru but it is definately a big WAKE UP call (in a good way) for me.

why frown when i hav family members who wld always stay by me
why frown when i hav awesome frens who will help me up and walk me out of the dark, eerie tunnels that i hav or will be going thru
why frown when theres sooo much more to life
why frown when i am much more fortunate than those who are in a worst plight than me
why frown when it is not the end.

HERE'S A BIGGIE SMILEY :D FOR EVERYONE.

2010-06-11T11:14:00.002+08:00

sometimes a small thing like chnaging ur relationship status on fb makes one happy. it is all abt showing to ur partner that u are proud to hav him or her and u feel happy to let others noe that u are tgt w him or her.

my bestest fren, wanting , told me that her boy wants her status to be in a relationship w her so we hav to "breakup" on fb. haha. she sounded really happy and i am happy for her.

i recalled how happy i was when he told me he told his frens that i was his girl. making one happy isnt as easy as this?

2010-06-07T22:57:00.002+08:00

i wonder how i dealt w all these drama from a relationship when i was much younger. i think i did all that i feeel like doing like how im telling this fren of mine. i guess i probably scared my ex off. HAHA. but who cares. i hav the right to know and to fight wat i believe as MY HAPPINESS. hahaha. okay im done w this stupid shit cos i had enough of dealing w it. im not goin to be extra nice. m i being selfish? bel u noe best. haha. okay bye

2010-06-06T00:30:00.003+08:00

freaking annoyed. stop comparing and pls see where i am not b4 u compare. THINK LONG TERM. stop being so short sighted. all u see is now now now. wat happens in the future is wat u ignored totally.

i noe wat i am doing and pls trust that i noe.

2010-06-05T18:00:00.002+08:00

everytime when im afected by the things u did, i tell myself it is a phase that i got to go thru. it will only toughen me up. i know it will.

i hav sth to confess. i did not go to aussie last yr. i lied to u. i jus needed some time away from u. u didnt seem to know wat u want at that time so i tot a separation would do us good. i "came back" and u blasted me, still not knowing what u want.

yay. finally got it out of my chest. feels so much better now. i shall carry on w my busy and eventful life! work is starting on monday and my first korean class is today!(:

2010-06-04T21:10:00.007+08:00

i jus came back from aussie ytd morning. the trip was really good. i was kinda reluctant to go because of the company there. it was all daddy's frens and frens' kids. he told me tat the kids are mostly secondary sch. it was such a turn-off. i went in end cos i dun always get to go to other countries besides malaysia. brisbane is two hrs ahead of singapore.

picked up daddy's fren before heading to the airport. they werent as dull as my daddy. oops. haha. it is the truth. went onboard and i was really amazed by the facilities that SIA has! it was 100 times better than air asia! the entertainment set was cool. haha. i watched the spy next door and listened to music to slp. i woke up to see that all the shuttles of the window were pulled down. i lifted it up and a beautiful sight showed up right in before my eyes. i couldnt stop snapping. the sight put a huge smile on my face! hoho. it was simply breathtaking.

we proceeded to the hotel and i found out that it wasnt a two-room apartment that my daddy had told me. it dampened my mood to the max and worst of all no lock on the toilet door. however, there were two separate beds. hoho. that was also the first day i met this girl, karmei. i didnt really wanted to talk cos i knew she is very much younger than me and mayb a lil spoilt. they went shopping while i chose to stay in the room to STUDY. many wld ask me why so i should explain b4 many different ppl ask me the same qn which i ans again n again over there but it didnt quite get into the heads of a few. anw, im tking special semester now and i was supposed to sit for a test on the day that i leave for aussie. the flight was on the early morning of 26th and the test was at 930 or 1430. yes i didnt hav to tk the test so why study? i didnt wan to be caught in a situation where i know nth abt the mod when im a week away from exam.

daddy dragged me out for lunch and i was still rather quiet. karmei came to the room and slumped on the bed. out of polite i asked her mama what did they buy. karmei started yanking and it stunned me. lol. probably she didnt know i was that old. she asked me guess the age and i got it right. haha. im smart(:

for the rest of the days, my breakfast and dinner was settled by her mama when we were at brisbane. the very next day was the start of darts competition. it was my first time witnessing the tournament and was pretty overwhelmed. heh. some of the uncles' true character were shown. they are actually a bunch of funky uncles. haha. one of the uncles went around yo-yo-ing and uncle andy started to disturb karmei n i. hes really friendly. i was quite distracted so i didnt study much there. i made it up for it in the night.i asked bel for my results and i did better than expected! A- for my biz mod(((:

the 1st day of the competiton was doubles and the second day was singles. the second day saw me heading to the town w aunty lyn, karmei, syazwan's mum and km's mama using a child's ticket.hehe. i bought slippers and 2 tops over ther(: went back n resume my mugging and by then karmei n i were on rather good terms:D

the 3rd day was the team event. she wanted to head out but i didnt want to cos i wan to support team sia. that was the last day i studied. the next day was the 1st day without mugging at the club! lol.went around taking pictures and it was the day of the dinner. i took 200plus photos and fb is denyin me the space to showcase them! i duno wat is wrong w fb. uncle andy sprank a surprise attack on me and captured a super unglam photo of me. the flash was damn strong and i swear i almost went blind.haha. km did the same and bth threatened to post it up on fb. i tried to capture unglam pic of her and i did. hohoho. took photos w a few uncles(: the last event of the night was a mini clubbing session!hahha. ohhhh b4 the dinner started km n i were trying tk a photo of uncle robert acting cute.lol hes damn funny.oh yaaaaa b4 the dinner uncle andy bought me white wine but the bartender refused to give me unless i can prove that im legal.annoying. daddy went to take my passport but by then i had alr walked away w the wine. hoho. uncle andy went back to his room to get a bottle of white wine n it tasted much better than the one he bought me. aft the whole event was a drinking session outside my room. hav i mentioned that they are super alcoholic? the indians drink every single day. day in day out they are drinking.hahah. i joined them that night. the beer was pretty light. km n i wanted to play daidee w uncle salim but he took tooo long to get uncle jon and a few others down. she was dragged back by her dadddy. played awhile and went to slp.

head over to goldcoat on monday and went out to harbour town for shopping! bought cotton on stuff. went out w syazwan family aft dinner w daddy. i wanted to ask km but didnt in the end. syazwan n i spent 22 aussie on arcade! cant rmb which was the day we talked abt our relationships. anyway i went to dream world w syazwan, km, uncle yo-yo and siva. the claw was the scariest. it was my 1st ride and i almost died. i came down w a spinning head:s tower of terror, giant drop were fun! omg. tower of terror was really fast! we took all sorts of roller coaster and took some rides twice as ther werent many ppl. we were done by 330 and head over to harbour town again cos uncle siva wanted to go. becos of that daddy was pissed w me. zz. he didnt believe me. he assumed that we were the ones who wanted uncle siva to bring us ther.anw the air was cleared or rather he decided to stop pursuing it aft dinner. i think he was hungry thus the tantrum. aarg whatever man. bleah.

the last day was MOVIE WORLD. i love the superman and scooby ride.i didnt really like the lethal weapon cos it gav me headache w all the knocks i had to endure during the ride.daddy took all the rides except lethal weapon. well done daddy! lol. head back to singapore in the night:( so sadddd. went to sch in the very morning. damn lost. zz

okay done. buais

2010-06-03T20:29:00.002+08:00

back from cooooling brisbane! i couldnt bear to leave there. i hav thoughts of staying for good. lol. see wat happens i grad den. photos will be up on facbook!

ohh i realised how much i really love scenaries! i jus couldnt stop snapping. haha. if only i can capture the starry sky......

2010-05-21T18:53:00.003+08:00

many do not see how much their parents love them till they are caught in a situation or they need hlp. it is the same for my younger brother and myself. my dad was bz on my 21st party and he tries to fulfill my wants. hahah. im really evil. i keep asking him for things.

tk the day i missed my lab exam for exam, the original condition was to do better this year to get a new mp3 but i told him i cant and i still wan a mp3. he said okay. lol. im still looking for mp3. only creative has expandable memory and i dun wan creativeeeee. zz..

alright. jus felt like typing,hoho.

2010-05-09T23:25:00.003+08:00

i wonder if i really do hate u.

i wonder if im feeling this way because of the phobia that it has left me

im over the emo period but there seems to be sth that i cannot seem to be able to express or get it out. i myself duno wat im feeling. i wan to help u yet im afraid of facing u. i duno hw i wld react and i do not know if i hav the capability to contain it.

i really wish u well. look forward to ur 21st and a new environment, nus, i guess. jiayou. change is a constant. some dislike while others embrace.some would feel lost and aimless when there is a change but we all need to be able to deal w it within the shortest time n move on w life. this is how some ppl keep their smiles on most of the time. i hope u are able to do so as well(:

tat was wat i typed b4 the trip but it didnt feeel right to publish. haha. i feeeel so much better aft the trip and a nice talk w mas on our last night tgt in msia. i will be like iris (character in the holiday), goodbye past.

i jus wan to enjoy my life with the lovely friends that i have found and create more beautiful memories to keep and look back on:D

2010-04-29T13:40:00.003+08:00

the amazing feat today. i woke up at 9.07am (i set my hp clock to be abt 10mins faster than usual) and my paper is at 9am. can u imagine how panic i was? i woke up screaming, changed my shorts and ALMOST walked ou of the room without my bra on.

when i was out of my block, i then remembered that my pencil case is on my table and not in my bag. i couldnt be bothered to get it and ran to the bus stop n i saw Bus A approaching and i tried to run faster. the next thing i saw was the bus bypassed the bus stop. wat the hell. i wanted to hitch a ride from watever car but a cab stopped. so i cab to nanyang audi and guess hw much it was? it was 4.05. i took 5bucks n told the driver keep the change. the uncle gladly accepted it. chiong to the exam hall w all my might, borrowed a pen, pencil and eraser. my prof saw me n shook his head. zz. i was soo overwhelmed by the turn of events that i made mistk that no one would ever thought of. i manipulated the values b by log-ing it and i actually used e^sth to try to solve it. i only realised it when i told my fren i could do. zz.

i came back and my roomie told me that she woke up to off her alarm at 830 but didnt see me on my bed. i think shes dreaming
WAT A DAY MAN. seriousssly!!:(

2010-04-16T15:49:00.003+08:00

a family friend said that i cannot not get married as i need to find someone who is gonna be my husband who is able to emphathise with my daddy. this is gonna be tough so i guess i will jus rely on myself. who needs a man? i am as capable as a man. lol.

headacheeee.):

2010-04-15T21:07:00.001+08:00

I NEEEEEED TO PUSH.

2010-04-04T17:10:00.002+08:00

thru this one yr, i hav learnt to treasure my frens more. if my next bf cannot accept the amt of time i spend w my frens, i will not accept him too. hahah. who are the ones who will always be there n not turn their backs on u despite everything that has happened? MY FRENS.

i like how i can give the most boring reply and not feel guilty. i guess im a step to throwin u in the bin. abt the other issue, let me slp on it. haha.

exammmmmmmmmmm is a big BITCH:(

2010-04-04T12:44:00.003+08:00

to forget is hard but not impossible. to keep reminding yourself that you should let go is painful. i rather let nature tks its course. if someone is able to replace him so be it. this kinda thing cannot be forced upon. the more u force, the more u cannot forget.

im perfectly fine. meeting w my cousins and frens ytd was great(:

2010-04-01T23:46:00.000+08:00

no mood to study. HOW? sigh. im scared.

2010-04-01T00:27:00.004+08:00

it has been quite a long time seen i have penned down the happenings of my life.

last sat bel and i went on the mission to find my ideal jacket and mas's 21st birthdday present. she asked for an expensive pair of badminton shoes. we went to the leading brand, li ning, in ion to search for the perfect pair of shoes. we did a research on the badminton shoes and were confident that it wouldnt be that ex. when we arrived at the shop, we asked for badminton shoes that has the least probability of spraining ankles. we were told that the nice turquoise ladies shoe is the best. it cost abt 220. we were elated and thought " this is it." to our HORRORRRRRR, they did not hav her size. mas's feet is far tooooooooo big. that left us w the men's. again, we asked for the best. it was silver and red. pretty decent pair of shoes and the price was "quite decent" too. haha. we asked for the 2nd best and it was red n gold. i noe mas would kill us if we get that. lol. so we asked for size. mas told me us 9 for mens. another surprise was sprang on us AGAIN. the salesman told me oh theres only 8.5 or 9.5. feeling very annoyed and displeased w the chain of events that had happened, we had decided to stop trying and asked mas to come over.epic failure. zz.

anw today's meetup cum celebration w mas was simply great. i miss fiz soooo much. i only realised that shes called fiz because of us. when we 1st became close, we had weird names for each other like masty, belly, chewy, vanny and so faezzah became fizzy. hw nicee. lol. im amazed at fiz spontaneity. i miss this grp of frens alot.

2010-03-26T15:42:00.003+08:00

i hav come to realisation that the only way to actually move on and look forward is not to compare wat u used to have w wat u hav now. comparing makes u feel even more miserable. u will tend to look back and think abt the-oh-so-sweet memories that do not exist nor belong to u now. why make yourself feel so unwanted n undervalued when wat matters most is the future? who cares wat happened in the past?

i used to be very foolish by cutting myself, emo near his place, re-read all the letters and i took 4 long yrs to forget a guy. im not goin to do that anymore. im 21 now. i should be much more sensible than i was 7yrs ago. why waste time grieving on the lost of someone special when theres soo much more for me to hold on to right before my eyes? im not goin to spend a lifetime or rather 4yrs to forget gh.its such a waste of time. he would be the one of the best memories that i ever had but i dun intend to make him my bestest memories(:

L.I.B.E.R.A.T.E.D is the word(:

2010-03-19T18:27:00.003+08:00

i jus hav this sudden urge to blog. i found out that he has alr moved on w another girl on sunday. i think he also has issues w it cos the way he sounded like he is afraid that the current might fail. mayb like me, he believed that we were meant for each other but the fact is otherwise. i duno how our lives are gonna be from this pt on; will we be able to commit fully in our new relationship and give our 110% like we did when we were tgt? for me, im not very sure. believe it or not, im dying to move on. i want someone special to be there for me always. i actually disliked being single. zz. mayb cos i had him w me all these while so the impact is rather great but whatever it is, im determined to moved on.

we mentioned that if we are really meant to be we would be back tgt one day. that sentence made me feeel good all over again. im not saying that im still hanging onto the lil hope that i hav. it jus made me realised that theres no pt feeling upset abt it. if we are destined to be tgt, we are. if we are meant to go one big round to realise that we hav alr met the best that we could hav, so be it. let nature tks its course.

i still insist on changing email cos i got bored of the previous one. HAHAH. addd meee(:
ohhhh im a cooools kid now. i hav twitter!! lol

agh: to make ur present relationship work, u need to let go of the failure. dun hurt her. im sure u wouldnt want her to be like u a few yrs back(:

im sorry for the rude, hurting comments. like you said, im stronger than wat i think. mayb its true. hah. despite that fact, i still need a bf. lol. anyhow, be brave and tk the step out to meet other photographers! where is the garang spl that i once know? side track a lil, i nv tot u would hav difficulty in adapting to changes. aft being w u when all the dramas from ns happened, i realised that you are someone who needs your friends alot. this is why you cannot adapt to new camps asap. i guess many are like that tooo. it gave me a chance to be aunty annie cos ur life is tooo perfect unlike mine. hopefully my broooooo will really change. okay back to wat i was saying, be more confident of ur works. i have seen them they are not that bad. i guess there are more to learn in photography so keep exploring and learning!! you will make it thru. hav faith!
ahhh canon in D.. those were the days yea?((:

2010-03-18T20:44:00.002+08:00

this is soooo true. hahaha. well, i had some issues this week and they are solved(: i was jus thinking why the damn horoscope thinks that gemini and capricorn are not compatible and this is wat i found:

Capricorn + Gemini

Earth + Air = Dust

Gemini is likely to feel that you drag them down, because their energy is light, airy, and often scattered. Being grounded is not a natural state for Gemini. And of course earth and air are very different: they create dust, which can make it hard to see or find your way.

There are good work connections with this match, but it may not offer much in the way of common interests or similar personality traits.

You are very focused on assets and finances. The two of you will need to do a lot of talking about what you want, materially, and what you want out of a relationship—and about how those things can be tied together. These are key issues, and you’ll need to work them out at the start.

You will be more comfortable dealing with practical things, where Gemini will be expressive, creative and communicative, but also no idiot when it comes to making money. You could learn many lessons here.

Another aspect of your different attitudes to money and financial security comes clear in the area of spending. Gemini spends generously, but you tend to count the pennies and be far more frugal. You’ll need to make sure a fight for control over the money doesn’t develop.

Incidentally, the sexual sector of Gemini just happens to be Capricorn, so your connection between the sheets will be good. You’ll be entertained and relaxed by Gemini’s playful sexual antics. This side of your partnership will offer you more than you initially think.

One thing you could help Gemini with is restless thoughts. If you can get into their mind space, you may be able to help them clarify their direction. This is because your thought processes are deep, where Gemini continually skims the surface. Slow and steady Saturn could be what anchors this relationship long term.

Geminis born between 13 May and 21 May are mentally oriented, and you will get on especially well with them if you are interested in many different subjects. Communication will be the focus for these people.

Geminis born between 22 May and 1 June are livewires, and will require a great deal of juggling from you. Their agenda will take them all over the place, at all sorts of times, and often you won’t see the rhyme or reason in it. Adjusting your lifestyle to fit in with theirs could be a major problem.

Geminis born between 2 June and 21 June have a special attraction to you. These people have a soothing touch that can restore your weary mind. Even though they’re highly strung, they do tend to know what to say, and when to say it, to make you feel great.

gh is born on the 30th may. this is soooooo true. honestly no joke.
http://www.astrology.com.au/compatibility/compatibility.asp

2010-03-04T11:52:00.002+08:00

i met up w bff last night. as usual, we talked abt relationships. rene and i admitted our fears. i guess there are jus some things tat u hate to admit, fear being laughed at. i have things that i wan to do that i tend to hide it, even to him. these are the things that i wan to do yet i have my constraints. its not that i dun wan to make an effort in make -up, coook, dress up. clothes wise, my family is rather conservative plus i am really not one who will follow the fashion. i jus like to dress how i wan tat i think i will look good in. i hav my own principles when it comes to dressing. it may sound shallow if i say it but i dun think anyone has the right to stop me from thinking this way. if u cannot change someone, adapt to it. everyone is made differently for a reason. i guess this simple fact needs to be drilled into some people.

iprobablylovedumorethanudid which is sooooo wrong. hahahaha. i think i can open my childcare centre:D

2010-02-27T20:17:00.003+08:00

recess weeek is here which means hardcore mugging is here. theres soooo much to do!!! 211,214,academic writing ( i havent done anything) , biz finance..... dieeeee:(

i need to get my ass goin man. :( i hate stress:(((((